As a journalist, a media executive and a communication coach, I’ve spent my entire career focused on helping people communicate what’s important to them
One thing I’ve noticed: When it comes to empathizing with someone sharing a personal struggle — whether it’s the trials of a troublesome teenager or losing a job — many of us respond by telling a similar experience we had. We assume it shows the other person they’re not alone.
Though it may come with the best intentions, the ‘I’ve been there, too’ approach shifts to focus from them to you. And real empathy isn’t about relating our parallel story — it’s about listening deeply.
Here’s how to be more authentic when showing empathy:
1. Be present and watch your body language
Start by eliminating any distractions. Keep your phone on silent and out of sight. Take a deep breath and let your body language show that you’re focused on the other person.
Remember that empathy is more than just words — it’s also in how you present yourself. Tune into your body: Are you tense? Or relaxed? Guarded? Or open and warm?
How you communicate with your body, such as your breath, shoulders and hands, can help the speaker feel more relaxed and know that they’re in a safe space to be vulnerable.
2. Repeat a meaningful word or metaphor that they’ve used
Say your conversation partner spoke about an experience and described it as “really horrible.”
By honing in on that phrasing and reflecting it back to them, you give them the opportunity to reflect on what was so horrible about it, to go deeper and understand themselves more fully.
Instead of sharing advice or something similar you’ve experienced, try summing up the emotional essence of what they shared. For example, you might say something like, “It sounds like you feel frustrated and even angry with your mother for making all these comments about your child rearing?”
By picking up on the emotions, even if they’ve not been directly expressed, your speaker feels like you’re really trying to understand them, and that their feelings and experience matter.
3. Get comfortable with silence
To make people feel comforted and seen, you don’t always need to respond immediately.
Silence is an underrated way to strengthen your connection with others. It demonstrates that you’re not controlling the conversation and allows for a natural rhythm.
Even brief pauses of three to 10 seconds can lower heart rate and blood pressure, creating space for more thoughtful reflection. In this quiet, trust grows and deeper understanding emerges.
4. Say ‘Tell me more’
The most effective conversation partners are curious and readily admit what they do not understand.
And unlike questions that steer the conversation toward our own interests, saying, “Tell me more,” allows the speaker to decide what matters, and reveal what is most important to them — even if prior to speaking with you, they actually didn’t realize that themselves.
This question can unlock so much, because your openness encourages them to share more authentically. Ultimately this leads to deeper, more meaningful insights and conversation.
So often, listening is transactional. We’re only briefly pantomiming the act of listening, just waiting to jump to explain our own ideas, solutions, the “right” answer — interrupting meaning and destroying thinking. But when you give yourself and your conversation partners the space and care to express yourselves fully, that can transform your relationships.
Emily Kasriel worked at the BBC for over two decades as an award-winning journalist, editor and media executive. She developed the Deep Listening approach as a Senior Visiting Research Fellow at King’s College Policy Institute in London, drawing on her experience as an accredited executive coach and workplace mediator. She is also now a Visiting Scholar at Columbia University.
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