Couples often feel like they have the same arguments over and over again.
As a therapist, I’ve heard many couples describe how a seemingly minor disagreement can spiral into an intense fight that goes unresolved, and eventually repeats without changing or improving. Even when they’re not fighting, these couples report an underlying tension between them that makes it difficult to enjoy their relationship.
To break this pattern, I encourage them to start a “relationship bank account,” in which they make “deposits” when they’re not in conflict. These deposits are actions that make the other person feel like their happiness is being prioritized.
The current account balance reflects how safe and secure couples feel in their relationship. A positive balance means they know they have the emotional “funds” to handle any surprise “bills” with a minimum of conflict; a negative balance means any unexpected “charge” can send them into a “debt” spiral that causes a blowout fight.
Ultimately, the goal is to make more deposits than withdrawals, with arguments becoming less intense and, eventually, less frequent.
I start this process by asking each partner what makes them feel loved and appreciated. Then we can determine what kinds of actions they can each take to make deposits into their relationship bank account.
Here are four common ways to bolster your account:
1. Checking in
It’s easy for a relationship to fall into a familiar pattern of work, chores, kids, and screens. You might spend hours a day in close physical proximity to your partner, but you may not feel connected to them. If that’s the case, check in and find a few minutes of connection.
This can be as simple as turning to your partner and giving them your undivided attention for a few minutes. How was their day? How is that issue they were dealing with at work going? Are they feeling okay physically? Is there anything you can do to help?
2. Random acts
A random hug as you pass your partner in the kitchen. A kissy face emoji sent from work. An inexpensive but thoughtful gift. An unexpected compliment. Random acts are small things that require little effort, yet their effect on your partner can be outsized.
These small deposits let your partner know you’re thinking about them at times when they least expect it.
3. Active planning
There’s often one partner who always makes plans, and it’s easy for them to start feeling underappreciated. Making an effort to switch up the roles can have a positive effect.
Take on planning with something as simple as making dinner reservations at a favorite restaurant or as complicated as mapping out a weekend getaway. Even if the results aren’t perfect, it shows that you’re listening to your partner and addressing their needs.
4. Intimacy (and sex!)
Most people assume that intimacy means sex, but sex is simply a form of intimacy. Intimacy means having an emotional connection and a feeling of closeness.
The actions we’ve explored so far can make your partner feel seen and supported, which can lead to an emotional connection, which can lead to emotionally meaningful sex — all of which can add to the balance in your relationship bank account.
Make sure you have an ’emergency fund’
The deposits above are often missing in unhappy relationships. In my experience, couples tend to overlook these small actions more and more over time. The longer you’ve been in a relationship, the more likely you are to encounter a low balance — or an overdraft — in your relationship bank account.
The key is to break through any resistance you might feel, and remember how impactful the little things can be when they add up. By making small, regular deposits into your relationship bank account, you’re building up savings when times are good — and giving yourselves a cushion to withdraw from when they’re not.
Phil Stark is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist seeing clients in person in Los Angeles, CA, and all over California and Florida via telehealth. In a previous career, Phil was a screenwriter and producer, with credits on films and TV shows like “South Park,” “That ’70s Show,” and “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
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